oddly
Hot fashions for the fussy hussy?
Sep 10th
Hey Blog Guy, I have some fashion needs that you’ve never addressed. I’m a strumpet.
You mean the band instrument?
Not a trumpet you imbecile, a strumpet! You know, Jezebel? Floozy? Trollop?
Isn’t that a Coney Island law firm?
Gosh, you’re even thicker than I’ve heard, Blog Guy, and frankly that’s very hard to imagine.
Look, us tramps like to look nice when we go out, especially since we go out pretty often. Where should we be looking for the latest fashions? Paris? Milan?
No, you should go to New York. I was at Fashion Week yesterday, and it sounds like if ”No reasonable offer refused” is the message you want to send, the designers can make it happen this year. Here are some of the outfits.
Hey, wait! That “creation” on the right? My grandma wore that in 1962! I have pictures of her in it!
Oh, I’m sorry. It brings back sad memories for you, huh?
Sad? Heck no, she got engaged to her third husband in that outfit, just as they left their church one Sunday morning. Good times….
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A model presents a creation during the Project Runway Spring 2011 collection at New York Fashion Week September 9, 2010. REUTERS/Eric Thayer
Models present creations from the Richie Rich Spring/Summer 2011 collection at New York Fashion Week September 9, 2010. REUTERS/Lucas Jackson
Look! It is ‘El Tall One’ himself!
Sep 10th
Blog Guy, can you please settle a bet with my pedicurist’s pest control guy?
Sure. I’m just here to settle bets. What’s up?
It’s about bullfighting, and I know you wrote the book on that. The cockroach man says bullfighters tend to be short, like jockeys, but I think they’re much taller. Who’s right?
I’m afraid cockroach man is right. I believe the average height of a living matador is only 3′6″, and many of the dead ones are even shorter.
Wow. Guess I owe him $20,000. Are there any exceptions to that?
Only one, who goes by the colorful name of “El Tall One.” As you can see here in these pictures, he’s a towering 5′8″. He has built his whole career around his incredible height.
Hold on. Wait a second, Blog Guy. This is SO bogus. That dimwit is just riding on the shoulders of another dude!
Hey, pal, could you shut up and show a little sensitivity? The folks who go to watch displays of animal cruelty for amusement aren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer, so if this fools them, let it go.
But I find this pathetic! How many other matadors are duping their feeble-minded fans with novelty gimmicks?
You mean aside from “El Magical Flying One,” who bounces across the bull ring on a pogo stick?
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Spanish bullfighter Francisco Rivera Ordonez “Paquirri” is carried on the shoulders of a assistant after a victorious “Corrida Goyesca” bullfight in Ronda, southern Spain, September 4, 2010. In the annual “Corrida Goyesca” fight in Ronda’s historic bullring the bullfighters wear costumes from the era of 18th Century painter Francisco Goya. REUTERS photos by Jon Nazca
Is a plane that different from a forklift?
Sep 9th
Blog Guy, I’m planning a dream vacation to China, but I’m worried. I read that China has found that nearly 200 pilots have falsified their resumés . Please assure me that’s all been taken care of now.
Of course it has. Some of those pilots lost their licenses.
Some? What about the rest of them?
It turns out they’re back on the job after “remedial action.”
Are you kidding me? They lied about their flight experience and now they’re working again? Why on earth were they hired in the first place?
There was a perfectly good reason. According to China’s official news agency, with the rapid expansion of the aviation sector, “airlines turn a blind eye to fake records since they are happy to see more pilots…”
Pilot: We’re in a tough spot, Lamar! You’ll have to take ‘er down.
Copilot: ME? Who do I look like, Sully Sullenberger? You’re the pilot!
Pilot: Oh, about that. I do have a forklift license that expired four years ago. How about you?
Copilot: Uh, remember when Kellogg’s Corn Pops offered a Junior Pilot’s Permit?
Pilot: Holy crap! We’re going down! Navigator, can you take over?
Navigator: Sure! So this is what they call a cockpit, huh?
* * * * * *
Readers, please note this is only an imaginary conversation, at least as far as I know.
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Right: A competitor jumps into the sea in an attempt to fly his homemade craft during the Red Bull Flugtag competition in Kuwait, November 2, 2007. REUTERS/Tariq AlAli
Left: Boxes of Kellogg’s cereal are displayed on a store shelf in Westminster, Colorado April 26, 2009. REUTERS/Rick Wilking
Talk to the head, Ma!
Sep 9th
“Sis, I was looking in the attic at the Palace yesterday, and you won’t believe what I found! I opened this old hatbox, and there was Anne Boleyn’s head!
“I’m serious! It’s shrunk, but it’s still about this big, and it really stinks!
“I guess after Henry chopped it off back in 1536, he just kept it as a souvenir…
“Hey Sis, look at Ma! She’s really pissed! She doesn’t like to hear about gross stuff…
“Come on, Ma, smile! It’s me, Charlie! Didn’t I come up to Scotland and eat Haggis for you?
“Uh-oh Ma, look what I have in my hand! It’s Anne Boleyn’s little head! She’s saying, ‘Elizabeth, can we stop at a Stuckey’s for a Pecan Log Roll on the way back to London? Pleeeeeese?’
“Oh Ma, don’t be such a grump! Who died and made YOU queen?”
Photos courtesy of the Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop
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Britain’s Queen Elizabeth (L) Prince Charles (C) and Princess Anne (R) attend the Braemar Gathering, in Braemar Scotland September 4, 2010. REUTERS photos by Russell Cheyne
Okay, the next round’s on me!
Sep 8th
Quick quiz: The troops in this photograph, clearly nervous and struggling, are…
a) …playing a variation on Russian Roulette and wondering what theyhave to do to win.
b) …coping with budget cuts by looking for something pointed to set off their artillery shells.
c) …bartending students, practicing proper cocktail shaker technique.
d) …an elite “Hokey Pokey” unit. You should excuse yourself before they “shake it all about.”
I guess it could be any of the above, but the caption tells us that in fact they are carrying out “an arm strength competition.”
Is that right? Because I can see where this is going. After about 20 minutes of stumbling around using every ounce of strength to hold up these heavy rounds, the next command these guys are going to hear from some officer is, “HAND SALUTE!”
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Soldiers of the People’s Liberation Army carry out an arm strength competition during a training session at a military base in Suining, Sichuan province September 2, 2010. REUTERS/Stringer
This is what they call spiked heels?
Sep 8th
Blog Guy, I’m a loyal reader living in Scotland, and I need fashion advice. Can you recommend some good shoes for a knight out?
So you’re looking for stylish evening footwear?
No, I mean KNIGHT, not night! My boyfriend is a professional knight, and when he picks me up for a date in full armor, I like to look like I belong with him.
You may be in luck. The photo above shows a prominent guest at a big film festival last weekend. Her shoes have a medieval flair, and here are some others seen recently at chic events. Damsel shoes are having a Renaissance!
So where is your knight in shining armor taking you?
To a siege.
A siege? Who’s sending him there?
The king, his liege.
His liege is sending him to a siege? Well, as they say, noblesse oblige! Will he be dressed in the royal color?
Yes, Lamar will wear beige….
Wow. That’s quite a plume in his helmet. Any idea what he will do in the siege?
The king is being secretive. He just said it’s Lamar’s chance to be “catapulted to success.”
That’s exciting. Uh, has Lamar ever flown before? I’m just asking.
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Top: Director Floria Sigismondi poses during a photocall for her film The Runaways at the 36th American film festival in Deauville, September 4, 2010. REUTERS/Vincent Kessler
Right: The shoes of British singer Leona Lewis are pictured during her performance at the Rock in Rio Music Festival in Lisbon May 22, 2010. REUTERS/Jose Manuel Ribeiro
Left: A model presents a creation as part of Versus Spring/Summer 2010 women’s collection during Milan Fashion week, September 27, 2009. REUTERS/Stefano Rellandini
Snug as a flub in a rug?
Sep 7th
Blog Guy, did you read about the problem with that brand-new rug in the Oval Office, with the great American quotes woven along the edge?
Yes, you’re talking about the embarrassing error over one of the quotes:
“The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice,” is attributed to Martin Luther King, Jr. on the rug, but it turns out King was quoting Theodore Parker, a 19th century abolitionist and Unitarian minister.
Here you can see part of that quote in the photo on the right. It looks like somebody didn’t do enough homework.
How unfortunate. What’s another quote on the rug?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”
Very inspirational. Hey Blog Guy, can you list ALL of the rug’s great American quotes?
Sure, here they are, a rug-full of Americana:
“Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job!”
“I did not have sexual relations with that woman.“
“Go ahead, make my day.”
“I’m not a doctor, but I play one on TV.”
“You had me at hello…”
“It’s a girl, my Lord, in a flatbed Ford…”
“They’re after me Lucky Charms!”
Nevermore!
“If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”
“Lucy, you got some splainin’ to do!”
Thank you so much, Blog Guy, that gave me goose bumps. I do recognize the rest of the quotes, but please remind me who said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”
Um, according to the rug it was Yogi Berra.
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Top: The redecorated Oval Office of U.S. President Barack Obama has new carpeting, wallpaper and sofas. August 31, 2010. REUTERS/Jonathan Ernst
Left: Theodore Parker, circa 1850
Oh darling, the Baby Leaf is here again!
Sep 7th
Blog Guy, where do babies come from?
Well, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much…
Not regular babies! I’m talking about, you know…….Dutch babies….
Oh, that’s totally different. Over there where the Dutch people live, babies are grown by a huge plant called the Victoria Amazonica.
What does that name mean?
It translates to, “It must have been that night we had the margaritas!”
So why are these adorable babies we see here still floating on Victoria Amazonica leaves?
There is a place in Rotterdam where you can have your kid photographed on the plant, if the baby doesn’t weigh more than 33 pounds.
And how did they pick 33 pounds as the cut-off?
Trust me, you don’t want to know that.
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Babies rest on top of a leaf of the Victoria Amazonica at the Rotterdam Blijdorp Zoo, September 1, 2010. Children could be photographed on top of the leaf, under the condition that they do not weigh more than 33 pounds. The Victoria Amazonica blossoms over two nights producing flowers that are white on the first night, which then turn pinkish-red by the second night.
Good luck will rub off when I shake ‘ands with you…
Sep 6th
Blog Guy, it looks to me like those Government Death Panels you write about still aren’t popular. Is President Obama doing anything to help sell them as part of his health care reform?
Sure. I guess you haven’t seen his promotional video based on the classic kids’ movie, “Mary Poppins.”
It features an updated version of the film’s iconic umbrella scene, remade with Barack and Michelle taking off and floating over Washington, DC.
Amazing! Do the Obamas actually sing?
Do they ever! They’ve done a great job on the movie’s beloved song, “A Spoonful of Sugar Helps the Medicine go Down.”
Plus, it’s uncanny how appropriate the actual lyrics are in selling the Death Panel concept:
“In every job that must be done,
There is an element of fun,
“You find the fun and SNAP!
The job’s a game…”
Um, SNAP?
Yeah, just a very quick-cut to a masked Death Panel guy breaking some sick dude’s neck, and then right back to the Obamas, floating over the Potomac River.
Jeez, I don’t know, Blog Guy. Is this video going to give my children nightmares?
Only if Julie Andrews comes knocking on your door very late on a dark night…
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Left: U.S. President Barack Obama and first lady Michelle Obama walk through a gate in the Columbia Parc Development to visit newly built homes in New Orleans, August 29, 2010. REUTERS/Jim Young
Right: Scene from “Mary Poppins”
Ya want cuffs on those trousers?
Sep 5th
Welcome to a very mysterious installment of our popular feature, “Stuff Maybe We Should Have Mentioned in the Photo Caption, but didn’t.”
The actual one-sentence caption for this photo identifies the subject as a “Rizla umbrella girl,” and says she is “posing” at some motorcycle race. That’s it, I swear.
Initially, I figured she must be a law- enforcement officer, what with her blue uniform and handcuffs.
But upon closer scrutiny, I realized that most policewomen a) wear pants of some sort and b) would gladly taser you for calling them a “girl.”
Who is she, then?
The mystery surrounding her deepens when you consider she has no head, arms or feet. Is it really a “pose” if her own mother wouldn’t recognize her?
And why are we calling her an “umbrella girl” when we can’t see an umbrella, and as far as I can tell, it’s not even raining?
Perhaps those small packets stuck in her belt are a clue. That belt must have some use, since it isn’t holding up pants.
I blew up a section of the photo, and it seems Rizla may be some sort of paper for rolling tobacco. But how many people roll their own cigarettes these days?
I went to a Rizla Website, but they wanted to know my AGE before letting me in. How old do you have to be to use an umbrella, anyway?
Uh-oh, wait. I think I may just have figured it out.
Silly me. Now even the handcuffs make sense.
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A Rizla umbrella girl poses during the second practice session of the San Marino motorcycling Grand Prix at the Misano circuit, September 4, 2010. REUTERS/Max Rossi